Unforgotten Fan Realms Fiction Story Thing
by Insane Guy of DOOM
Summary: An Unforgotten Realms fanfiction. In a darkness where time hung out with the land, two guys, a talking axe, and their pet rat would become... LEGENDARY HEROES! Contains guest appearance by Samantha Manson as a gardening tool.
1. Stargate SGSchmoopy

I originally put this on forums of the official Unforgotten Realms website, but I'll put it here as well. This chapter came out kind of butchered from copying and pasting it from the forums but its readable and I don't feel like re-doing it.

* * *

The dynamic duo better known as Mike and Rob were sitting inside the former's basement. The table before them had a poorly drawn map of the "Blook Woods" and four tiny figures that represented Eluamous, Sir Schmoopy, Jacque, and Petey.  
"When we last left our heroes, they had just been arrested yet again and now had to raise-"Mike began.  
"Wait wait wait wait… wait…. wait……. wait……….. wait. We're not doing episode three moron." Rob yelled, interrupting his "friend".  
"Then what are doing?" Mike asked rather confused.  
"We're doing that Unforgotten Fan-Realms-Fiction-Thing-Story." Mike sighed.  
"Okay. Eluamous Nailo and Sir Schmoopy of Awesometon-"  
"Don't forget about Jacque and Petey!" Rob yelled while waving his arms for emphasis. Mike held back his growing frustration and continued.  
"Fine. Eluamous Nailo and Sir Schmoopy AND Jacque and Petey were camping in the mysterious Blook Woods. This forest is known for the magical artifacts rumored to be hidden in its darkest groves."  
Eluamous emerged from the tent to stretch; he stifled a yawn upon seeing Sir Schmoopy hitting a large metal contraption with a hammer. "Eluamous asks Schmoopy: 'What the heck are you doing?'." Mike spoke.  
"I'm building a wormhole generator." Schmoopy replied.  
"There are no wormhole generators in Unforgotten Realms Rob!" Mike yelled angrily.  
"There is one now!" Rob retorted. "Done." Schmoopy announced. The "Totally Awesome Ninja Abraham Lincoln" began to scratch his beard. "Okay, either this wormhole generator will created a wormhole to another dimension OR destroy the known universe." Eluamous looked rather frightened after this comment.  
"Uh, what exactly are the odds of it destroying the universe?" He asked nervously.  
"I'd give it about 75/25. Seventy five being the chance of it destroying the universe of course, so it's plenty safe." The sorcerer smiled and then slammed the on button with his fist. The wormhole generator began to spark and his. A then a mysterious vortex appeared in its center. The air swirled and a horrific smell filled the air.  
"That's the smell of Mike's mom's cooking."  
"SHUT UP JERKFACE!"  
Finally the portal ceased its bizarre actions and only a swirling green vortex remained.  
"Darn. I was hoping for something cooler to happen." Schmoopy lowered his head. Just then a strange looking girl, about fourteen years old shot out of the vortex. She had raven black hair pulled up into a ponytail, amethyst eyes and purple lip gloss. Her clothes consisted of a black tank top with a purple circle in the center, a short plaid skirt, purple stockings and combat boots.  
"What is that?" Eluamous asked rather confused at what had just happened.  
"Isn't it obvious Mike?" Schmoopy replied.  
"No. Not really."  
"It's obviously a lawnmower."  
"What?!" Schmoopy pointed at the girl.  
"See, there's the handle-thingy." He explained while pointing to the Goth girl's ponytail. "And there are the grass-choppers." Schmoopy then pointed to her mouth.  
"It's not a lawnmower, idiot. It's a girl." Eluamous stated, getting very angry at Rob's stupidity. Said girl finally managed to stand up and brush herself off.  
"Where am I? Who the heck are you?" She asked, still dazed. Schmoopy's eyes widened.  
"WE'RE UNDER ATTACK...AGAIN!" Quickly Schmoopy whipped out his nun-chucks and leapt at the girl. "FEEL THE WRATH OF CANADIAN LUMBER, FOOL!"  
"I'm not even going to say anything this time." Eluamous flinched as he watched the epic battle. When the dust settled the wizard in training saw the girl wiping the dust from her hands while Schmoopy lay broken and bleeding on the ground.  
"You'll have to stop her Jacque. She's too awesome."  
"Oui, Oui, mon ami (Thank you for teaching me how to spell that, ChillinOut)." Jacque began to glow bright blue, charging up his most powerful ability that Rob had just made up a few minutes ago. Knowing something terrible was about to happen, Eluamous began to pray and Petey covered his eyes with his paws. Then, there was the explosion to end all explosions!  
Finally the dust settled and our heroes looked around. All they saw for miles was desolate wasteland.  
"ROB! WHAT DID YOU DO!?" Mike yelled furiously.  
"I didn't do anything. It was Jacque. He used his atomic blast attack!" Schmoopy pointed to said axe.  
"Well, good job Jacque. YOU DESTROYED THE ENTIRE FOREST! Now let's get out of here before the radiation kills us." Eluamous was at his breaking point now.  
"Relax Elumouse… Eluminaous… Eldorado… Elyoumayus… Mike! I've got a resistance to radiation of-"Rob shuffled through his character sheets.  
"There's no resistance to radiation moron." Mike replied.  
"No resistance to radiation? That's Bullsh-"  
"SHUT UP! Let's just continue this stupid campaign." Back in the game the four heroes started to walk in the direction which seemed to be the least devastated by the atomic blast.  
"Wait! I wanna take the lawnmower." Schmoopy said while motioning to the unconscious girl.  
"For the last time it's not a lawnmower it's a girl!"  
"Well maybe in the dimension it came from, lawnmowers look like girls! Did you ever think of that Mike? Huh? Did you?"  
"Fine! If you want to carry that GIRL around in your inventory I'm not going to stop you." Eluamous said through clenched teeth. Just then two strange looking men with shirts that said "EPA" ran up to them.  
"Environmental Protection Agency?" Eluamous asked, wondering why they of all people would appear.  
"And you say I'm an idiot. Mike, everyone knows EPA stands for Enforcers of the Protection of Amish. Obviously the lawnmower belongs to Amish people and they've come to collect it."  
"No Rob, I'm one-hundred percent certain it's Environmental Protection Agency." The two EPA officials finally reached our heroes.  
"STOP! ENFORCERS OF THE PROTECTION OF AMISH!" One yelled.  
"Told you." Schmoopy told his companion.  
"I hate you. So. Much."  
_**Will our heroes be able to get out of the forest before the radiation kills them? What do the Enforcers **_

_**of the Protection of Amish want from Sir Schmoopy? Find out next time on UNFORGOTTEN FAN-REAMLS-FICTION-STORY-THING!**_


	2. Law and Disorder

**Last time on Unforgotten Fan-Realms-Fiction-Story-Thing, the mighty Lumberjack Sir Schmoopy had just found a totally awesome lawnmower. But then my stupid friend Mike was all like "lololol taht iz noat a lawnmozer, taht iz a girlz lolololol I iz teh g4y!" **

"Rob!" Mike yelled at his friend obviously due to Rob's rather impolite partial of him.

"Shut up Mike, it's my turn to narrate!" Rob replied.

**Anyway, so then Jacque used his atomic blast attack and destroyed the whole forest. Now these guys from the EPA are here and I think they want the lawnmower. But there's no chance in heck I'm giving it to them.**

"When we last left our heroes, they had just been approached by two officers from a mysterious organization known as the Enforcers of the Protection of Amish." Mike began in his more realistic than and not as funny as Rob's narrative.

--

"Let's just do what the officers say Schmoopy, we don't want to get arrested yet again." Eluamous warned his companion. Schmoopy began to pant and pulled out his nun chucks.

"I wanna cast a spell." The sorcerer stated. Eluamous stared at him in disbelief.

"What part of "let's get arrested again" do you not understand!?" He yelled angrily.

"I CAST FLARE!" Schmoopy shouted as a bolt of light flew from his hands at hit one of the officers in the face. His wizard ally face-palmed as the other EPA officer walked up to them.

"Well, well, well. You just authorized me to deadly force!" The officer exclaimed.

"God, idiot." Was Eluamous's only comment, obviously directed at Rob.

"Relax Mike. It's four against one, we've got this." The officer raised his hand and from behind the various tree stumps that were all of that was left of the Blook Woods, hundreds upon hundreds of EPA guards emerged.

"Oh crud." Schmoopy said. Jacque floated up to him as the legions of EPA officers surrounded them.

"Don't worry mon ami. I'm sure there will be no harmful repercussions to your rash actions."

--

--

"Guilty!" Mr. Judge yelled while slamming his gavel.

"Rats." Eluamous and Sir Schmoopy said in unison. They, along with Jacque and Petey were standing in the middle of the courtroom. Mr. Judge of course sat on his judge podium thingy, and "the lawnmower" was sitting on a table with a piece of paper with "evidence" written on it in red marker taped to her mouth.

"Wait. How can we be guilty? You don't even know the charges." Eluamous told the Judge. He looked at them thoughtfully for a moment.

"Hmm, good point. What are the charges?" He asked the EPA officer.

"These lumberjacks are believed to have stolen an Amish lawnmower!" The officer answered. Mr. Judge looked at the evidence. A puzzled expression came across his face.

"What? That's not a lawnmower!" Eluamous did a silent cheer now that someone finally had some sense in the game. "It's obviously a weed whacker!" The wizard's jaw nearly hit the floor from the shock.

"Of course! How could I have been so stupid?" Sir Schmoopy said to himself. His sidekick was busy tearing his hair out in frustration. Mr. Judge looked to be on the verge of tears.

"I'm sorry to say this. But sniff not guilty! That is clearly not a lawnmower." Schmoopy looked confused.

"Huh? I thought we were on trial for destroying the Blook Woods?" The Judge's face lit up in shock.

"You destroyed the Blook Woods? GUILTY!"

**What punishment will Mr. Judge inflict upon our heroes? Does the weed whacker have a bigger role to play in this story? **"Speaking of the weed whacker, where'd she go?" Schmoopy asked while pointing to the now empty evidence table. **Why do I always ask these questions? Find out next time on Unforgotten Fan-Realms-Fiction-Story-Thing!**

**--**

"You destroyed the Blook Woods? GUILTY!" Mr. Judge screamed on the projection playing through a crystal ball. The figure watching it was engulfed in shadow, having no idea he was being watched by the so called "weed whacker" whose name was actually Sa-

"Ah, everything is going according to plan…" The figure said, interrupting my narration. He stood up and looked to his companion.

"Isn't that right, Professor Walrus?"

* * *

Gasping Unicorns! We have ourselves a villain!


	3. The Ultramonocle OR 300 Idiots

**When we last left our heroes:**

Eluamous, Schmoopy, Jacque and Petey were surrounded by legions of pirates. One after another the fell before the heroes with cries of "Arrgh!" and "Yarr!" Schmoopy's nun-chucks connected with a pirate's head, while a fire ball shot by Eluamous set the captain on fire, and Petey attempted to claw the first mate's eyes out.

"It's no use Eluamous. There are just too many!" Schmoopy said. And it was true, for every pirate who fell; two more seemed to replace them.  
"One moment mon ami, Jacque is having an idea..." The axe began to glow bright blue, while Eluamous and Schmoopy looked on in awe. Lighting arced from the axe and the remaining pirates cowered on the floor. Then from out of nowhere, Mike's head appeared and the scene paused.

"THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN!" He screamed furiously at Rob. Rob simply frowned and raised his finger in a "matter of fact" gesture.

"It's my turn to narrate Mike, so I say can whatever I want to happen." Mike scowled and glared at his "friend".

"THAT'S IT! You just lost your privilege to recap what happened last time."

**When we last left our heroes FOR REAL. Eluamous and Schmoopy had just been declared guilty for the destruction of the Blook Woods. Also, the mysterious girl-** "It's not a girl Mike, it's a weed whacker." Rob countered." **SHUT UP ROB!**

**--**

BREAK O' LINES!

--

While Mike and Rob argued about whether the last episode had consisted of them fighting pirates, something much more evil was going on upstairs. Within his room, Timmy sat hunched over a crudely drawn imitation Unforgotten Realms game board. His dwelling was full of pictures showing Rob with Timmy's own head placed over them. On the game board there were two figures, an army man representing Timmy the Evil and a sock meant to be Professor Walrus.

"Well Professor Walrus, what should we do with our new prisoner?" The younger brother of Rob said to himself.

--

LINE BREAK! LINE BREAK! EVERYONE LOVES A LINE BREAK!

--

"What is your name?!" Timmy the Evil demanded of his newly captured weed whacker, who was currently tied to a table.

"Sa-"She began to say before the evil Timmy the Evil put his evil hand over her not-so-evil mouth.

"SILENCE! Only talk when I tell you to talk!" A look of utter confusion appeared on the gardening tool's face.

"You just asked me a-"

"SILENCE!"

"But-"

"SHUT UP!" The nefarious villain then scratched his armored chin and made an "hmm" noise. "You appear to be well trained. But not even the tightest lipped captive will be able to stand: **THE EVIL TORTURE MACHINE OF EVILY UNENDING EVIL!**" Professor Walrus's eyes widened.

"My God Timmy. That's. So. Evil!" The tuxedoed pinniped exclaimed. Timmy the Evil and his Walrus companion cackled manically as they shoved Sa-err the weed whacker into the "Evil Torture Machine of Evily Unending Evil".

--

I WON'T LIE TO YOU. THIS CHAPTER WILL HAVE WAY TOO MANY LINE BREAKS MOST LIKELY

--

"How many times have you lumberjacks appeared in my honorable court?" Mr. Judge asked our heroes. Schmoopy began to count on his fingers while mumbling.

"Seventeen!" He yelled while throwing his arms up for emphasis. A look of unimaginable rage crossed Mr. Judge's face.

"Not in the entire history of this kingdom has anyone been convicted of a felony seventeen times! The only appropriate sentence for retarded lumberjacks such as you is life imprisonment!" The judge banged his gavel.

"Wait a second! I counted wrong, it wasn't seventeen times." Eluamous breathed a sigh of relief at the sorcerer's words. "It was eighteen times!"

"EIGHT. TEEN. TIMES?! I SENTENCE YOU TO DEATH!" The sound of Mr. Judge's gavel hitting the gavel hitting thing resounded through the dimly lit courtroom.

"ChillinOut!" The judge cried from his podium. A blue vapor rose up in the center of the room, it began to swirl and compact until finally it dissipated, revealing a cloaked figure. "I need to you to show the lumberjacks their cell while I figure out what the best way to execute them is." The figure, whose name was apparently ChillinOut, nodded in response before walking up to the terrified heroes.

"Hello, my name is ChillinOut and I'll be your tour guide through the Costwell County Jail!" He spoke in a stereotypical tour-guide voice. He ushered Eluamous, Schmoopy, Jacque and Petey towards a long line of prison cells. They were old, moldy and looked as though they had not been cleaned in a very long time if not ever-

--

"Mike, stop describing the stupid jail and get to the good part!" Rob complained, obviously bored.

"Fine you idiot."

--

"And here's where you guys will be staying." ChillinOut motioned to a mold covered cell, with several skeletons lying on the floor, bed and toilet. "It's the Death Suite!" He announced. Schmoopy raised his hand. "Yes?"  
"Um, we're gonna be out of here before shower time right? Because there's no way I'm going in the same shower as Mike."

"Oh shut up Rob!" Eluamous yelled in retort. His sorcerer companion's eyes lit up.

"Hey ChillinOut…"

"Yes?"

"You're a big Unforgotten Realms fan right?"

"Right."

"And you wouldn't want to have us die right?"

"Right." Eluamous was begging to catch on to Schmoopy's plan.

"So you'll help us escape right?" He asked.

"Well, I would, but I'm just an ooooptical illuuuuuuuuusion!" ChillinOut slowly faded from existence upon these words.

--

Dead silence…

"What?"

--

"LUMBERJACKS GET IN HERE!" Our heroes heard Mr. Judge yell. They quickly ran back to the main room. "I've finally decided that the best way to kill you is: "Death by Questing"!" Schmoopy and Eluamous gulped, wondering what terrible quest he had in mind. "Have you ever heard of the Ultramonocle?"

"No. What is this Ultramonocle you speak of your honor?" Eluamous asked.

"And you call yourself a wizard." Schmoopy seemed disgusted that a wizard wouldn't know of the Ultramonocle. "You see a long time ago…" The sorcerer began.

--

Rob's stupid Ultramonocle origin story

--

**In the kingdom of ancient Sparta, there was a mighty and powerful king slash warrior slash lumberjack. Sir Schmooptonias of Awesomlympus! **The hero of Rob's story looked like Schmoopy but in a toga and instead of a Viking helmet he had a Spartan helmet thing. **He was a fair and just leader. And he got all the ladies. But darkness fell over Sparta… **Schmooptonias sat upon his solid gold throne, polishing his nun-chucks. Then a small gnome rogue ran in. He had green hair and small green mustache goatee combo.

"What is it Steven?" Schmooptonias asked.

"It's the dinosaurs, sir! They are attacking! "

_**ROB! Dinosaurs and ancient Spartans didn't co-exist with each other! **_**How do you know that? Were you there? **_**Well no but-**_** Didn't think so! **_**God, idiot! Just continue the story!**_

"This is very serious! What do you suppose we do?" The mighty and handsome king asked.

"Press B to jump!" Steven exclaimed, or maybe suggested. Schmooptonias contemplated this decision.

"Steven, how about I give you this honey-smoked ham?" He asked, while holding said ham.

"Press B to jump!"

_**What does this have to do with anything?**_** J-Just shut up Mike. Schmooptonias knew that the only way, the only way, the only and one way, THE only way to stop the dinosaurs was to kill their most powerful wizard, Triceratron! **_**What!?**_

Schmooptonias stood upon a hill overlooking the volcano that Triceratron slumbered within. He was awaiting the army of three hundred Spartans to arrive. Finally footsteps graced the king's ears. **But ****little did Schmooptonias know these were not the Spartans at all. They were the much ridiculed Eluazues, the mighty and super- buff rat Petecules and their talking French axe, Jeanne D'Arc. **

Eluazues looked like Eluamous wearing a toga and his normal red hood, Petecules was basically Petey on steroids and walking upright, and Jacque and Jeanne D'arc were exactly the same.

_**Joan of Arc wasn't an axe you moron!**_

"I was too." Jeanne D'Arc replied, breaking the fourth wall of Rob's story.

"You tell 'im Jacque-err-Jeanne." Schmooptonias looked around. "Hey! Where are the three hundred Spartans I requested?"

"We're the only ones who received a call to arms my king." Eluazues said, while holding up the draft he received.

"Wait. If I sent you guys the call to arms, what did I send to the three hundred Spartan warriors?" Schmooptonias asked to himself.

--Meanwhile in Sparta--

Warriors of all shapes and sizes were puzzling over the cryptic messages they had received. "What the heck does 'Mike is G4Y' mean?" One asked.

--Back to our heroes--

"I guess you'll have to do. SPARTANS! TONIGHT! WE DINE! IN HECK!" Schmooptonias screamed.

--

"Hello, welcome to heck, how many are in your party?" The devil-like waiter asked.

"Five." Schmooptonias answered. The waiter led our heroes to a small booth at the back of Heck, the most popular restaurant in ancient Greece. A much larger devil approached the table.

"My name is Azrealok and I will be your waiter. May I take your order?" Schmooptonias scratched his beard.

"Yeah. I'll have the curly fries. Hey Eluazues do you want any curly fries?" He asked.

"No I'm good."

"Get two orders of curly fries just in case Eluazues changes his mind, and I don't want him eating mine-"

_**Rob this is stupid! What does this even have to do with Ultramonocle?**_ **I was getting there. After the heroes filled their bellies with overpriced fried foods, they returned the lair of Triceratron.**

The sulfurous smell emanating from the Mountainsaurus Mountain was nearly overpowering. From the pool of lava in its center, a massive figure emerged. His skin gleamed, as if it were made from every precious metal known to man. Three ivory horns sprouted from the creature's massive head. And on its right eye was a monocle so perfect, so flawless it would make Thor cry amethyst tears of amazement and sorrow that this thing could not be his own. This creature, this, this GOD was Triceratron!

"Who dares summon the mighty Triceratron from his thousand-million year slumber?" The great wizard's voice sounded as if the very earth itself was being grinded together to produce this sound.

"We do!" Schmooptonias bellowed heroically. Triceratron laughed a laugh that shattered Mountainsaurus Mountain, leaving them in a deep, smoldering caldera.

"You? Against me?" The dinosaur laughed again. "This is madness!" Eluazues's eyes turned a fiery red.

"Madness?" He asked. "THIS. IS. STUUUUUPIIIIIIIIIID!" He shot a fireball at Triceratron's flawless iron beak and the fight began.

**The heroes battled long and hard, for a thousand years! Except really it was only five minutes but there was a time warp involved. It's really confusing. After Triceratron's defeat, Schmooptonias forged his metal carcass and his monocle together to create a monocle so powerful that wearing it would be like wearing eighty-six regular ones… THE ULTRAMONOCLE!**

--

End of Rob's stupid story

--

Mike stared blankly at his friend. Rob simply sat there, confused. "That had to be, THE STUPIDEST, MOST MORONIC THING YOU'VE EVER SAID!"

"Well at least it's better than your stupid campaigns. I mean come on! We've been on quests to save my dying grandmother, my dying grandfather; I'm running out of grandparents here Mike!" Mike sighed.

"Let's just get back to the story."

--

"You see. If Cotswell had the Ultramonocle, we'd be the most powerful kingdom in the known universe! But the quest will be so dangerous you will certainly die!" Mr. Judge explained.

"And if we don't die?" Schmoopy asked.

"Consider your punishment fulfilled. Like that'll ever happen." The judge pulled out a joker card and threw it at Schmoopy.

"Holy crud! It's a card that summons the Joker to fight for us!" The self-proclaimed ninja Abraham Lincoln declared.

"WHAT!?" Eluamous asked in rage. "You can't make up what items do! I'm the DM so it's my job." Mr. Judge cleared his throat.

"Actually it's my job. That card will summon Cotswell's finest champions to aid you in any task. But be warned, the card may only be used once."

"Now Schmoopy, we should save the card and make to only use it if absolutely necessary." Eluamous warned.

"I use the card." Rob happily announced. Mike face palmed in response.

"God, idiot." Schmoopy threw the joker card to the floor and a bright beacon of light shot out from it. From there the beam went through a hole in the ceiling and made a large "R" against the night sky. (**AN: Eluamous and Schmoopy have been in court for a while now**)

"What the heck is that?" Eluamous asked.

"It's the Roamin symbol." Mr. Judge explained. Just then two figures mysteriously appeared from the shadows. A cheesy disco type music began to play as the smaller of the two figures started dancing.

"R-O-A to the M-I-N he's a crime-solving-rank-eleven pal-a-din! Do the R-O-A to the M-I-N he's a crime-solving-rank-eleven pal-a-din! Yeah!" The little figure sang. The larger figure, who was dressed in bright red plate armor with a yellow female symbol on his chest bent down and picked up the card.

"You called?" Roamin asked to our heroes.

"Yeah. My jerk-of-a-brother Timmy stole my weed whacker. I need you get it back!" Jacque floated up to Schmoopy.

"Actually mon ami, Timmy did not steal le weed whacker…"

--

Jacque floated up to the weed whacker as she sat on the evidence table. He started glowing blue.

"I'm glowing but you don't look too dangerous. Hon hon hon hon!" Not knowing exactly what the talking cutlery meant, but still disturbed, the weed whacker jumped off of the evidence table. She ripped the paper saying "evidence" off her mouth and ran off.

--

"Well, just get my weed whacker back!" Schmoopy declared.

"I'm on the case! Come on Gaary." Roamin motioned to his little sidekick and the two disappeared back into the shadows. Eluamous sighed.

"Lumberjacks! There is only one person who knows the location of the Ultramonocle. Here is a map leading to him." The judge handed Eluamous the map. "Now get going before I have the guards remove you by force! Oh and don't think about just running away. That card I gave will explode if you don't try to get the Ultramonocle and no matter what you do to it, it will automatically re-appear in your pocket."

"Okay Petey, use flight form!" A cloud engulfed the undead dire rat and when is cleared Petey had transformed into a passenger air line only with a Petey's head.

"PETEY DOESN'T HAVE FLIGHT FORM!" Eluamous screamed at the top of his lungs.

"Yeah does Mike. Remember in episode five of the classic series…"

--

"NOW PETEY! FINISH 'EM WITH A FIRE BLAST!" The much more poorly drawn classic Schmoopy ordered. Poorly drawn classic Petey flew up into the air and began to charge a massive ball of fire to hurl at the Ogre Rob was stupid enough to attack.

"Wait. Stop. This is where I draw the line." Mike said.

"What?" Rob asked.

"Petey could not have fire blast and bubble beam because that would make him a fire/water type." Rob still looked rather puzzled.

"Why can't Petey be a fire water type?"

"Because they would negate each other, and you would end up with nothing." Mike explained.

--

"But Petey had bubble beam and fire blast until you said that. So what happened fire blast you ask? Petey re-specc'd from fire/water to water/ghost. And the fifty-one point talent in the ghost tree is flight form." Rob exclaimed. Mike was still rather angry.

"Well shouldn't Petey's flight form be a bird or winged rat or something? Not a passenger airplane." He commented curtly.

"Yeah, but passenger airplanes have comfy seats, hot stewardesses and those yummy peanuts in the little bags!"

"Fine! But after this, Petey can never use flight form again."

"I call driving!" Schmoopy yelled. He ran into the Petey/Plane thingy. Eluamous and Jacque sat down in some seats near the wings. After they got buckled in Schmoopy's voice rang out from the intercom.

"Hello, my name is Sir Schmoopy of Awesometon and I will be your captain today. We will be taking off momantarly, momotary, monototothairly, now!"

"Wait! Rob we're still inside the courtroom we can't take off indoors!" Eluamous pleaded.

"Fire in the hole!" Schmoopy slammed his fist down on the start button.

--

Meanwhile outside the Petey Plane, it's engines started up. Mr. Judge quickly realized what was happening. His eyes widened as he saw the that those retarded lumberjacks were going to take off in the middle of his court.

"OH GOD! HIT THE DECK!"

**Will Sir Schmoopy and Eluamous Nailo be able to find the Ultramonocle? Will Roamin and Gaary be able to find the weed whacker? **"Don't worry. I always get my man err gardening tool." **Will Timmy the Evil find something too? Find out next time on Unforgotten-Fan-Realms-Fiction-Story-Thing!**

* * *

This is the longest chapter I've ever written for anything. Yay!


	4. Planes, Parachutes and Schmoopy

**Previously on a very special episode of Unforgotten Fan-Realms-Fiction-Story-Thing:**

The courthouse exploded in a massive fireball of fiery flame. But fortunately the Petey Plane soared away from the blast and rocketed through the air.

_**You know that's really getting old Rob. **_**Yeah I guess. Anyway, when we last left our heroes Mr. Judge told us to get some Ultramonocle thing… I don't know I wasn't really listening. And I told Mike this story that totally ripped off 300, then I hired this guy to find the weed whacker who ran away 'cause Jacque was flirting with her. Oh, and Petey used flight form and blew up the courthouse. So awesome! **

Within the Petey Plane, Schmoopy was attempting to read the map given to them by Mr. Judge.

"Um, Mike. This map is written in some kind of strange language." Eluamous walked up to his sorcerer companion and turned the map right side up. "What the heck did you do that for? Now it's in an even weirder language!" The wizard simply face palmed.

"Mon ami, nous avons un grand problème!" Jacque tilted himself so that he was pointing towards the fuel gauge, which was now just above "E".

"Schmoopy we're almost out of fuel, we have to land now!" Eluamous screamed upon seeing the fuel gauge.

"Relax, it's on E."

"E means empty you idiot!"

"Yeah, but in Australia people drive on the opposite side of the road. So that means that in Australia E means full and F means uh, not full!" Schmoopy smiled at his cleverness at figuring this out.

"BUT WE'RE NOT IN AUSTRALIA!"

"Yeah we are! See." The sorcerer pointed out the window where Eluamous saw that below them was a desert type place full of Tasmanian devils, kangaroos, platypuses, koalas, and a blonde man in khaki colored clothes.

"G'day mate!" The man greeted as the plane roared past. He waved bye.

"Oh bull dookie!" Schmoopy exclaimed.

"What now Rob?" Eluamous asked, extremely annoyed.

"We left Australia, so now we're out of fuel for real!" The Petey Plane shuttered and then began to plummet towards the ground. Eluamous, Schmoopy and Jacque screamed their heads off. Schmoopy ran up to one of the emergency exists and kicked the door open. "We're gonna have to jump guys!"

"But this plane doesn't have any parachutes!" Eluamous yelled to the others.

--

"Well Rob, it looks like our heroes are doomed. Want to play scrabble?" Mike asked.

_No, it can't end this way. _Rob thought. _There must be some way to escape. Think Rob! Use your mind, that's so good at thinking. That's it! It's just crazy enough to work!_

--

"Okay, Jacque, use your mind control to gently float down!" Schmoopy ordered.

"Oui oui, mon ami." Jacque simply floated out the emergency exit and slowly fell downwards. Schmoopy took this opportunity to get down on his knees and grab Eluamous by the ankles.

"Now get ready to press B Eluamous!"

"Press B? What the heck does that mean?" Finally realization dawned on the wizard. "No Rob! I'm not jumping out of the plane!"

"Fine then. Petey, cancel flight form!" A cloud of magical smoke appeared and the Petey Plane was reduced to Petey's normal rat self. He plummeted through the air before landing on Eluamous's head.

"Oww!" Then the wizard looked down. Realizing he was hundreds of feet above the ground, Eluamous, along with Schmoopy and Petey began to fall towards the earth. But then, his cloak expanded like a parachute! "Hey, now I get it! Schmoopy this is brilliant!"

"Yeah. Just wear some underwear next time Mike." Schmoopy chuckled at his joke. Finally the three heroes landed and noticed Jacque floating there, waiting for them.

"Well, it looks like we must continue our journey on foot." Eluamous commented.

"Si nous sommes à bout des aliments, j'appelle le fric sur le sorcier." Jacque announced. The sorcerer known as Sir Schmoopy looked very annoyed.

"Jacque! How many times do I have to tell you, I don't speak French?" Schmoopy complained.

"But Mike would not like to know what I was saying, mon ami." The talking cutlery replied.

--

"Hey Roamin, why do you have a girl symbol on your chest?"

"It's not a girl symbol Gaary! It's a symbol of holiness!"

"Oh sorry." Gaary replied to the crime-solving-rank-eleven paladin.

"It's okay. I get that a lot since paladin's such a girly class and all." A massive and evil looking castle loomed over the horizon. "There! That's where the weed whacker is." Roamin pointed towards the bastion of evil.

"How do know?" Gaary asked.

"Just call it a hunch."

"Nice."

**Will our heroes find the mysterious man who knows the location of the Ultramonocle? Does the weed whacker have any significance at all to the story aside from an excuse to put Timmy the Evil and Roamin in it? Find out next time on Unforgotten Fan-Realms-Fiction-Story-Thing!**

* * *

In the next chapter, we meet the mysterious person who knows the location of the Ultramonocle, and Timmy the Evil's evil plan is revealed! Possibly!


	5. Dungeons and Dragon Slayers

**Last time on Unforgotten Fan Realms Fiction Story Thing: We went to Australia, Mike fell out of a plane, and well, that's pretty much it. You know, episode four was a pretty short episode. That's just pathetic compared to episode three. **_**Oh shut up Rob.**_

"When we last left our heroes, they had been forced to continue their journey to find the Ultramonocle on foot." Eluamous narrated. The four heroes had reached an open farmland, which according to the map Mr. Judge had provided them with, was the home of the only person who knows the location of the Ultramonocle.

"Okay. The map says the Ultramonocle guy is right about… here!" Schmoopy announced while keeping his nose buried in the map. The sorcerer looked up to see a familiar figure. Eluamous's face twisted in horror.

"No! Not him again!" The wizard pleaded.

"Hello." The farmer greeted our heroes.

"Yeah, hi Mr. Farmer. You wouldn't happen to know where the Ultramonocle is would you." Schmoopy asked.

"As a matter-of-fact, I do!" The Farmer exclaimed. "And I will tell you where it is if you give me some-"

"Delicious crispy chicken?" Eluamous guessed sarcastically.

"No. I want you to get me blood from the still-beating heart of a dragon." Schmoopy stared blankly at the Farmer.

"What?" Eluamous asked, rather confused.

"I have heard that blood from the still-beating heart of a dragon makes _excellent _dipping sauce for delicious crispy chicken!"

--

"Rob! Where the heck are we going to find blood from a still-beating dragon's heart?!" Mike screamed/asked angrily.

"Don't worry Mike. I've got a plan."

--

"Now, dragons like to eat damsels in distress right?" Schmoopy asked.

"Right." Eluamous answered.

"So if we get a damsel in distress and use her as bait and dragon will show up right?"

"Right."

"See, getting the blood of a still-beating dragon's heart is easy!" Schmoopy smiled at his cleverness.

"One thing. Where are we going to find a damsel in distress?" Schmoopy, Jacque and Petey looked at Eluamous menacingly.

--Several minutes later--

"I hate you so. freaking. much." Eluamous exclaimed. He was tied to a pole in the middle of a grassy clearing. On his chest was a piece of paper that said Damsel in Distress, which had been crossed out. Below that it said "MIKE IS G4Y."

"Relax Mike. You'll be perfectly safe!" Schmoopy and company began to walk away from the "damsel in distress".

"Hey! Where are you going?" Eluamous asked.

"BEHIND THE BUSHES WHERE IT'S SAFE!" Schmoopy yelled back. "NOW ACT LIKE YOU'RE A DAMSEL IN DISTRESS!" Eluamous sighed.

"Help! Help! Please someone help! I'm a damsel in distress! I sure hope a big scary dragon doesn't show up!" The wizard yelled sarcastically.

--Meanwhile--

"Well, I think the weed whacker's had enough torture for one day. Let's see if she'll talk." Timmy the Evil told his pinniped companion. He opened the door of the Evil Torture Machine of Evilly Unending Evil and saw the Gardening Tool in question strapped to a chair, begging for mercy. "Ha! I told you that forcing people to watch every episode of Telletubbies over and over and over was the perfect torture method!"

"Yes you certainly did Timmy." Professor Walrus sighed.

"I talk! I do whatever you want! Just please turn that infernal thing off!" The weed whacker pleaded. Timmy the Evil held up a remote control. The remote had two buttons "Torture" and "Don't Torture" he pressed the latter and the screen flickered off. "Thank you!" The gardening tool jumped from the torture machine and began to kiss the ground outside of it, having missed floors that didn't reflect the screen showing Teletubbies.

"So Timmy, what evil plan do you have for today?" Professor Walrus asked.

"I'm glad you asked." Timmy the Evil pointed to a large cannon with a mean face drawn on the front. "This is the Doom Cannon of Evil! I will use it to crash the moon into the world, causing a never ending age of evil!" Timmy began to cackle maniacally. "But unfortunately, the only thing powerful 

enough to power my cannon is the Ultramonocle itself!" A look of shock crossed over Professor Walrus's face. He stared at the weed whacker.

"Timmy! Remember the prophecy?" The pinniped asked.

"Yes, but I don't see what that has to do with-"Timmy looked at the weed whacker and fell silent. "You don't really think?

"Yes."

"Could it actually be?"

"I believe so!"

"Excellent." Timmy the Evil and Professor Walrus broke into their evil laughs, while the weed whacker stared at them, dumbstruck.

--back to our heroes--

"Rob, it's been five hours." Eluamous pleaded. "If a dragon's going to show up, it would've by now." Just then, a small dragonfly hovered into the clearing. Schmoopy, Jacque and Petey began to cheer.

"Ha! Eat a fat one Mike!" Schmoopy exclaimed.

"Dragonflies don't count as dragons you idiot!" Eluamous exclaimed.

"Hey, if it's got the word dragon in it, it's good enough." Schmoopy explained. "Now Petey! Pin the dragonfly down! Jacque, cut out its heart.

"Oui, oui. Mon ami." Jacque replied, Petey squeaked in agreement.

--Back at the Farmer's farm--

Schmoopy handed the dragonfly's still beating heart to the Farmer.

"Excellent!" The farmer exclaimed. He pulled out a piece of delicious crispy chicken and dunked it into the heart. Then the Farmer stuffed the blood soaked chicken into his mouth. "Mmm. Delicous. Crispy. And spicy!"

"Great. NOW CAN SOMEONE UNTIE ME!?" Eluamous was still tied to the pole with the "MIKE IS G4Y" sign taped on him.

"So where's the Ultramonocle?" Schmoopy asked, completely ignoring the wizard.

"It was stolen by NINJAS!! BY NINJAS!! NINJAS!" The Famer screeched, shaking his nubby arms up and down for emphasis. "They gave it to my wife, Matilda, queen of the Shadow Clan."

"Great. Now we have to find ninjas." Eluamous complained. Then Jacque started glowing blue.

"Uh-oh mon ami. We have les company." The talking cutlery announced. The sky opened up and a massive dragon landed in front of the still tied up Eluamous. The dragon snapped its head back and let out a roar that echoed for miles around.

"Oh crud." Schmoopy commented

**Will our heroes be able to defeat the mighty dragon? What mysterious prophecy are Timmy the Evil and Professor Walrus referring to? Will I ever stop asking these random questions at the end of every episode? Find out next time on Unforgotten Fan Realms Fiction Story Thing!**


	6. The One With a Really Big Battle

**When we last left our heroes, that chicken-obsessed farmer from the podquest made us get him the heart of a dragon, so I tied Mike to a pole and totally cheated by getting a dragon**_**fly**_**'s heart instead. Then the farmer told us the Ultramonocle or whatever was stolen by ninjas. Oh yeah, a dragon showed up too. He looks kind of angry.**

"When we last left our heroes, they had been cornered by a fearsome dragon." Mike narrated. The dragon roared so loudly that off in the distance Mt. Norrington itself trembled. "Okay Schmoopy, here's the plan. Have Jacque cut me down, then I'll cast swords of light on the dragon and while he's trapped we use Plan C!" Schmoopy looked at him in disgust.

"No way Mike! Do you have any idea how much xp a dragon would be worth? We've gotta kill that thing!" The sorcerer exclaimed.

"Fine then. Jacque, cut me down." Eluamous demanded.

"Oui, oui. Mon ami." Jacque replied, he then floated over the Eluamous and shot a fire blast at the wizard. Burning the ropes off, and burning Eluamous as well. After rolling around on the ground to put the fire out, Eluamous got up and faced the dragon.

"Magic Missile!" Eluamous yelled as he shot a fire blast of arcane power at the dragon. Unfortunately it only did four damage.

"What the crud? I though magic missile was supposed to do seven to eight damage!" Schmoopy complained. His wizard companion's eyes widened in fear.

"Oh no. No." Eluamous stuttered.

"What?" Schmoopy asked.

"It's an Arcane Dragon. They have a racial passive ability to reflect half of every spell back at the user!" Just then the dragon reared up and shot a magic missile at our heroes, dealing four damage to each of them.

"Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay." Schmoopy commented. Getting down to business the ninja Abraham Lincoln raised up his hands and began to cast a spell.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

"Now remember Rob, flare counts a spell so-"Mike began to explain.

"I cast flare!" Rob yelled.

"God, idiot." Mike face palmed. "Great thinking genius. Schmoopy's flare blinds the dragon on its left side, so of course it reflects half the flare, causing us to get blinded on our right sides!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Now I throw a shuriken at the dragon!" Schmoopy announced.

"You already used your turn idiot." Eluamous told the sorcerer.

"Well, uh, Schmoopy uses his charm of getting an extra turn… and throws a shuriken at the dragon!" The Japanese weapon flew through the air.

"You idiot! You're half-blinded there's no way you can hit the dragon. You'll probably just end up hitting-Oww!" Schmoopy's shuriken impaled itself smack-dab in the center of Eluamous's head.

"Okay, Petey, do a mega-punch!" The sorcerer commanded as the flare began to wear off. Petey nodded and leapt at the dragon. But his super-powerful attack only did one damage.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"What? Mega-Punch is supposed to be an insta-kill! It says right here on Petey's character sheet." Mike complained, for once angry that Rob wasn't cheating.

"Yeah, mega-punch got nerfed pretty hard in the new patch." Rob explained.

"D'oh, grrr, arrrgh…" Mike uttered, trying to not scream out in anger. "THIS IS A TABLE-TOP ROLE PLAYING GAME! THERE ARE NO PATCHES YOU IMBICILE!" Rob held up a piece of paper with some hardly legible writing scribbled on it.

"Then what's this?" Rob asked. The paper said as follows.

Patch !

-Notes

Mike is G4Y (lololol)

Mega-punch now does 1 dmg. =(

"I hate you so much." Mike commented dryly.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Alright, let's stop the QQ and get to the PewPew." Schmoopy raised up his nun-chucks.

"What?" Eluamous asked, not well versed in "l33tsp34k". Before Schmoopy could explain, Jacque floated up to the dragon.

"Mon ami, Jacque a une idée de vaincre le dragon! The talking axe explained. "Le control du mind!" He shouted. Just then the dragon's head began to grow, and grow until finally it exploded, showering the forest with delicious crispy chicken. "Je ressemble aux spectres de Starcraft! Hon hon hon!" Jacque gloated.

"Why would the dragon be full of delicious crispy chicken?" Eluamous asked.

"Obviously you're not familiar with dragon anatomy Mike." Schmoopy commented. After the sorcerer finished that sentence, the now headless dragon fell over, crushing the farmer.

"Great, and now we don't have anyone to tell us where the Shadow Clan is."

**With the dragon defeated and the location of the Ultramonocle known, will our heroes be able to find it in time? Will Roamin and Gaary retrieve the weed whacker from Timmy? Find out in the next amazing episode of: Unforgotten Fan Realms Fiction Story Thing!**


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